Summer Holiday Blues


Six weeks off; amazing, great!
It’s only the last five you’ll fucking hate.
You’ve done everything in week one, you filled your days,
With crafting and baking, it was gone in a haze.
The house is a tip now and you can’t see the floor,
But it’ll soon pass, there’s only five more.
Week two draws in and you wake filled with dread,
What do we do now? My head is a shed.
A family day out, a lovely idea!
It pisses it down with rain, pass me a beer.
Three weeks in and you’re going mad,
You didn’t think finding shit to do would be so bad.
You’re nagged and you’re moaned at more and more,
Can we? Can we? Can we? It’s becoming a bore.
Week four can fuck off, this is the worst,
Just over half way and an empty purse.
You’ve been uniform shopping and you’ve spent all your cash,
And all you want is a night on the lash.
Week five is strop week, you’ve heard and seen it all,
Get them in bed so you can stare at the wall.
Week six and more moaning that there’s nothing to do,
And you hide behind the fridge door mouthing ‘fuck you’.
But inside you’re smug, smug as can be,
Because it’s back to school next week, you’ve survived – yippee!!


Who seriously has an issue with a mum kissing their kid on the lips?

So, here we go again. More mum bashing. This time Victoria Beckham is in the firing line for giving her five-year-old daughter a birthday kiss on the lips.

Although the mum of four has received a lot of support, with thousands of mums now sharing snaps of themselves kissing their children on the lips, she’s also faced backlash from the internet’s parenting police who find it ‘disgusting’, ‘weird’ and ‘wrong’. Since when was kissing your child on the lips a controversial act? I kiss my four-year-old on the lips all the time (my 14-week-old less so, because he’s a bit drooley). It’s so normal in our house that I was shocked when people began calling her out on it, it’s even been sexualised, with people saying they look like lesbians. What absolute, utter rubbish.

What kind of world do we live in where someone can look at a photo of a mum giving her daughter a kiss and think that? I find it weird that people find it weird. And the only time it’s wrong, in my opinion, is when my kid’s face is covered in Nutella or beans (no thanks), or when I’ve managed to find the time to put make up on and I don’t want him ruining my lipstick (step away, son, you can kiss the cheek but not the pout).

It’s a sweet, innocent picture showing the bond between mother and daughter. I’m sure Vicky B has more important things to worry about than what others think of her parenting, but all the same, leave the woman alone!

PS I tried to get a photo of myself kissing my son to go with this feature… he told me I could only have a kiss if he could have an ice lolly. Maybe Harper did the same, but unlike my son, she got her lolly?

Review of Bridlington’s new £25 million leisure centre



Yesterday we were invited to the new Bridlington Leisure Centre to review the facilities and the ace new splash pool there.

I tried my hardest not to get my hair wet and I’d stupidly put mascara on thinking I’d just, at the most, get in the water up to my waist. NO. I looked like a drowned rat when we’d finished. If you’re thinking of heading here, and I’d really recommend a visit, bare in mind that calling it a ‘splash pool’ is the understatement of the century. It’s proper splashy. They should have called it ‘The Proper Splashy Pool’.

Here’s the verdict that matters….

Leo’s verdict:

“I thought the pool was really good because it was splashy and the water guns were the best because I could get people. I liked the water slides and there were two big ones and one was orange and one was red and the red one was the best because it went faster than the orange one and I liked it going fast because I’m brave because I am four now. I could climb the steps by myself and you have to wait at the top until the light goes green like on the green man on the roads.

I did some somersaults in the water and it was fun because I had my goggles on and I didn’t even need my swimming vest on because I’m getting good at swimming. My favourite bit was splashing in the pool because I was allowed to splash and nobody even told me off. Next time I go I’m going to make porridge soup in the baby bit but I won’t splash any babies because that’s not very kind and they might cry and that would be sad.”

Tens truths about British holiday parks

Ever taken the kids to a holiday park? We did, this weekend. If you’ve ventured into this dangerous territory, you’ll know the following to be true:

1. People with shit tattoos go to holiday parks.

2. There’s loads of kids called Chardonnay, and they always get told to ‘fucking pack it in’ by their parents.

3. The people doing actual camping in actual tents are really aggressive. ‘Yes, I’m wearing a fucking towel on my head to the restaurant, I’m fucking camping, you prick.’

4. The kids entertainers are all either wannabe actresses with overly backcombed hair or overweight 20-something men that should have considered a different career path.

5. It always rains, but who gives a shit? Just stick on your anorak and shut up moaning.

6. There’s loads of people with dogs, just standing around.

7. It’s London prices for a pint of beer. Dick Turpin wore a mask, not a fucking elephant costume.

8. The kids have an amazing ability to stay awake until way past their usual bedtime, giving you time to relax with a double g&t (which you took out a small mortgage for) and the evening’s entertainment (ego-maniacs pratting about in costumes).

9. There’s loads of horny teenagers, who have been dragged there by their parents because they are too young to stay home alone. They meet with other horny teenagers in the arcade to lie about how many times they’ve had sex and other cool stuff.

10. If an activity is free, it’s going to be rammed, and you’re going to get pissed off.

BUT… the kids think it’s AWESOME and, in the days leading up, it is a spot on bribing/ threatening tool to make them behave, so we’ll continue to go each year.