Ever taken the kids to a holiday park? We did, this weekend. If you’ve ventured into this dangerous territory, you’ll know the following to be true:

1. People with shit tattoos go to holiday parks.

2. There’s loads of kids called Chardonnay, and they always get told to ‘fucking pack it in’ by their parents.

3. The people doing actual camping in actual tents are really aggressive. ‘Yes, I’m wearing a fucking towel on my head to the restaurant, I’m fucking camping, you prick.’

4. The kids entertainers are all either wannabe actresses with overly backcombed hair or overweight 20-something men that should have considered a different career path.

5. It always rains, but who gives a shit? Just stick on your anorak and shut up moaning.

6. There’s loads of people with dogs, just standing around.

7. It’s London prices for a pint of beer. Dick Turpin wore a mask, not a fucking elephant costume.

8. The kids have an amazing ability to stay awake until way past their usual bedtime, giving you time to relax with a double g&t (which you took out a small mortgage for) and the evening’s entertainment (ego-maniacs pratting about in costumes).

9. There’s loads of horny teenagers, who have been dragged there by their parents because they are too young to stay home alone. They meet with other horny teenagers in the arcade to lie about how many times they’ve had sex and other cool stuff.

10. If an activity is free, it’s going to be rammed, and you’re going to get pissed off.

BUT… the kids think it’s AWESOME and, in the days leading up, it is a spot on bribing/ threatening tool to make them behave, so we’ll continue to go each year.