When I was eight months pregnant, we decided the best thing we could do at this relaxing time would be to move house. So we did. And we moved to the countryside. I remember the conversation in Asda cafe over a three quid jacket potato:
Me: “Shall we move to a village?”
Jon: “Yeah, ok.”
We moved into the first house we looked around just a few weeks later making it the most spontaneous decision we’ve ever made.
We were both sceptical at first, particularly Jon, who grew up in Salford and spent his youth wearing his trackies tucked into his socks and walking around like Liam Gallagher. “I don’t know if I’m cut out for village life,” he said worriedly. “Where do you think the nearest Nandos is?”
However, our ridiculously stupid punt paid off – we love living here. We’ve made loads of new friends and we don’t even miss the 24 hour Tesco (one of our biggest concerns).
Here are 14 things I’ve learned living in the countryside:
1. Everyone drives a Range Rover.
2. When people smile at you, it’s because they are nice, NOT because they’ve spotted your iPhone and are about it nick it.
3. Nobody keeps sofas or broken fridges in the front garden.
4. The village shop is a necessity – from dog chews and nail clippers to greetings cards and wine, it stocks all the essentials.
5. It stinks of shit, literally.
6. The kids now know the difference between a horse and a sheep.
7. The village pub is full of gossip and broken dreams.
8. You can’t scratch your arse without everyone knowing.
9. I know what a boot room is.
10. I need a boot room.
11. Waking up to birdsong is way more relaxing than waking up to the chavs up the road chucking bricks at each other.
12. Wherever you’re going, you’re going to get stuck behind a tractor.
13. It’s safe to walk home drunk at midnight (I hope).
14. The great outdoors really is great.